etiquette

If someone requests no wedding gifts, is there some understanding that you should send something anyway? And if so, what? I don't know these hidden rules of etiquette.

Thanks!

Donate money to a charity in their name. It's a nice compromise.

Subject: Re: etiquette

GiGi wrote: If someone requests no wedding gifts, is there some understanding that you should send something anyway? And if so, what? I don't know these hidden rules of etiquette.

Thanks!

I agree with Boygabriel - make a donation in their new married name.

Non-material gift: donation ^^
or perhaps send a flower arrangement to their home.
Dinner gift certificate

As above -- donating to a cause you think they'd respect and appreciate in their name is good etiquette in this situation.

If I asked for no gifts at my wedding I would expect that no one would give me gifts or gifts in my name.

The reason I'd want to do this is because I'd want the pressure to be off my guests. Perhaps this is what they want as well? And, maybe they have everything they already need.

A friend of mine who has done this said she still got gifts, flowers, etc and really didn't want them and then had to deal with it. She just wanted her friends and family to be a part of the day without feeling like they had some sort of financial obligation to attend to as well.

Donations are not part of the etiquette or expected. They would have specified a charity if that's what they wanted you to do.

It's culturally hard to show up "empty handed" but you and everyone else in attendance is probably what they really want at their wedding.

Many thanks for the comments. I think I am feeling that "it's culturally hard to show up empty handed" (doublediamond's point) so I feel compelled to do something. I found something at National Geographic about saving/adopting animals that I am considering. If indeed the couple is attempting to alleviate the pressure, it's almost worse trying to figure out what to do in this case. I just don't know.

However, doublediamond provides a compelling argument for not doing anything! Rats.

doublediamond wrote: Donations are not part of the etiquette or expected. They would have specified a charity if that's what they wanted you to do.

It's culturally hard to show up "empty handed" but you and everyone else in attendance is probably what they really want at their wedding.

But the charity can have the donation letter sent in the mail, its not like you are showing up with donation card in had and making everyone feel awkward. And sometimes when it is someone you care about you want to do something special for them and making a donation in honor of their special day is something that would make everyone feel good and help whoever/whatever the donation is going to.

All DD's valid points aside- I'm for the donation "non-gift/gift"- the couple needs to do nothing when they recieve it, so they aren't really getting anything that they'll have to "deal with" later.

And it's not like you'll have to break the bank either. (and deep down, you'll get the satisfaction of having given to a great cause). /

GiGi wrote: If indeed the couple is attempting to alleviate the pressure,

If they were serious about that, they'd
(1) elope
(2) spring a surprise wedding on guests
-- that's how we did it.

If I say "no gifts", I mean it. People getting married these days tend to be living on their own already and already have dishes, towels, etc. Plus we tend to spread out so much just getting to a wedding can be costly so folks may consider people showing up a great present.

But, if you want to donate, a fun great way is to give an animal through Heifer Project (http://www.heifer.org/) I describe them as using the "teach a man to fish" idea. Instead of giving a meal, they educate and provide the start of a supply and the recipient is expected to then share with their community in some way. Say they receive some chickens, they are taught how to care for them and supposed to give X number of chicks out to others in a pay it forward idea.

*I'm not associated with Heifer other than thinking it's a great organization. Who doesn't want to "get" a water buffalo or baby chicks as a gift

It would be rude to disregard their wishes. I vote for the donation--it's not a gift, but a honorable recognition of their big day. And you get the tax benefit!

Subject: thanks!

I decided on the National Geographic Society's Conservation Trust! It's pretty neat. You know, after I thought about this, I think it's such a decent choice than a whole mess of kitchen and household stuff. I'll never forget how my sister returned just about everything anyway. I am still appalled.

Thanks everyone.