Waxing At Home- DON'T DO IT

whatchuwant

Subject: Waxing At Home- DON'T DO IT

I have to preface this by saying this is NOT my experience (think it may be Erma Bombeck?). I got this email today, and the irony is that I had a home waxing kit in my hand today at the drug store ready to buy. So glad I didn't...


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My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and
play with the kids I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my
mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'



So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those
'cold wax' kits. vNo melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your
hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or
wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but
I am mechanically Inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So, I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together.



Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair
dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax', yeah right!) I lay the
strip across my thigh, hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward
body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.



With my next wax strip, I move north. After checking on the kids, I
sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I
drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my
bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the
inside of my butt cheek (it 'was' a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace
myself . RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!!



Blinded from pain!!!! ... OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!ï Vision returning, I notice
that I've only managed to pull off half the Strip. CRAP! Another deep
breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.
I think I may pass out ... must stay conscious ... must stay
conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe ... OK, back to
normal.



I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so
much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory
that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip. There's no hair
on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the
hair. The hair that should be on the strip ... it's not! I touch. I am
touching wax.



I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake ...
remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do
something. So, I put my foot down.
Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think
to myself? Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop
off!' What can I do to melt the wax?



Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I
can stand into the tub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax
should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
WRONG!!!!!!
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is
having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub ... in
scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.



So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to
the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to
have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret
of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter 'So, my butt
and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal
but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly
where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'



She's laughing out loud by now ... I can hear her. I give her the
rundown and she then suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. We
go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with
a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in
hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving
the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a
major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress
counseling for this event.



My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace ...
the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to
lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my
friend. Its sooo painful, but I really don't care.

IT WORKS!!
It works! get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs
up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
grief and despair ... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE ...ALL OF IT!
So I recklessly shave it off. Hell, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color.
**********************************************************

rachel rae

I can't contain my laughter, and my neighbors must think i am crazy by now.

Those strips don't work worth a damn!
I tried them on my upper lip once (apparently the peach fuzz wasn't long enough) they say you have to have an 1/8th of an inch
and all I was left with was a fuzzy swollen upper lip.

On the up-side, I didn't need lipstick for 2 days and i looked like i had some Beverley Hills lip action!

jocelyn

this is a classic. i have never touched home body wax because of reading this years ago.

em26

LOL!

Damn , she messed up biiiiiiig time!





Thanks for the laugh , Whatchuwant.

slimgoods

lol ive never tried this and so thankful lol @ the wax in her booty lol jeez

slimgoods

omg wait. Whatchu.. you KNOW this person???? or a person who knows this person. heheehe

whatchuwant

I wish- she was a famous author from the 60s-80s. I read her stuff when I was little. My mom liked her and she didn't use dirty words.

You knew she was thinking them though....

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erma_Bombeck

scarlett

K. But I have tried those strips and in the box they include this oil stuff that soothingly wipes off excess wax. So, I don't believe the story. Good reading though, but fake.

When I was in college tis Greek girlfriend of mine used to get these jumbo tubs of at home wax and every other weekend after a party or long night, she would heat some up on the stove and go around and do everyone's eyebrows or lips or whatever before doing her own entire body. She swore that she had to do it when you were hungover because you were already in pain and it wasn't that bad when you were numb from the night's alcohol.

daver

scarlett wrote: K. But I have tried those strips and in the box they include this oil stuff that soothingly wipes off excess wax. So, I don't believe the story. Good reading though, but fake.

OK, I'm calling bullshit on your bullshit and am opening the floor to nominations for volunteers to conduct a reenactment. Myth-buster style, yo.

whatchuwant

scarlett wrote: K. But I have tried those strips and in the box they include this oil stuff that soothingly wipes off excess wax. So, I don't believe the story. Good reading though, but fake.

Erma probably wrote this years ago, so maybe the lotion she used wasn't as high tech and fancy like yours.

scarlett

OK, Daver, thanks for volunteering! Let's get your webcam set up!!!!!!!!!!

daver

scarlett wrote: OK, Daver, thanks for volunteering! Let's get your webcam set up!!!!!!!!!!

Ahem.

After a close review of the piece, I have found that I don't have the proper equipment to conduct a reenactment.

scarlett

Yes you do - you know you have a laptop with the apple on it and they all have cameras in them!!!!!!!!!!!! Come on! You don't have to do that area, just something similarly sensitive!!!!!!!!!!!

daver

scarlett wrote: Yes you do - you know you have a laptop with the apple on it and they all have cameras in them!!!!!!!!!!!! Come on! You don't have to do that area, just something similarly sensitive!!!!!!!!!!!

I dunno. I'm reading this: "So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" and I'm thinking that using a hootus instead of a hoo-ha is just going to _completely_ destroy the integrity of the experiment.



Besides, my apples have worms. Not cameras.

scarlett

ha ha

I just looked for a vid on break and there are only lame ones. See? There is a need! A dirth in video history that you can fill!!!!!!!

bricktop

A Hootus....
I'm hootin' out my hoo-ha!

bkchickie

I was in a salon once when a woman called seeking advice about what to do with a home waxing gone horribly wrong. I would never, ever try that at home.

Good ol'Erma. Wonder what she would make of Sarah Palin.