Dear red states...

carnivore

Hilarious craigslist posting:

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/80714812.html

whatchuwant

I think I just forwarded that to everyone in my contacts list...thanks, Carn.

urbancowgirl

As did I! Makes me feel so proud to be from the South...ha.

[Deleted User]

I spent a year living in North Carolina... its amazing being back home.

em26

Aw , man , that was so funny. My stomach hurts from all the laughing.

Thanks , Carnivore!

sweet tea

i hate that thing. it's divisive and stupid.



when obama wins, it will be because of red states -- either because he will win their EVs outright or because his support in NC, WV, et al, has forced mccain to spend money there instead of in PA, MI, etc.

clinton -- arkansas
carter -- georgia
johnson -- texas

sharrisny

We get wine, cheese, beaches and pot? I'm in!

livetotravel

Subject: Re: Dear red states...

Carnivore wrote: Hilarious craigslist posting:

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/80714812.html

Having Eliot Spitzer didn't turn out to be so hot, and Ken Lay is dead - I guess it's even

doctorj

sweet tea wrote: i hate that thing. it's divisive and stupid.

Aha! Turns out they're all pink states, after all.

whatchuwant

In the interest of fairness guys....the red states wrote back:

Dear Blue States:

Well, imagine our relief that you’ve decided to secede and form some
sort of bathing-optional commune headquartered in California. The money
we'll save in aspirin, now that we won’t have headaches from listening
to your interminable whining, will be worth it to us alone.

We'll finally be rid of you lazy, moping, latte-sucking Streisand fans
now that you're actually going to follow through--for once--on your
promise to finally get off your butts and leave, as so many of you
claimed you would every election cycle and then chickened out of
actually doing. (Yeah, we’re looking at you, Alec Baldwin.)

But not so fast. You don’t get to take all the Blue States with
you--just the Blue parts.

We hate to break it to you, but your Blue States aren’t actually
"blue." Mostly, they’re states full of Red counties with pockets of
Blue urban blight in them, who vote Democratic in such numbers that if
the same results came out of a Third World country—which, come to
think of it, many of the "Blue" counties pretty much are—we’d think
it was fraud and send some election observers from the UN.

Even California is pretty much a Red State: Bush won 35 out of 58
counties, while Kerry won LA and San Francisco. You want 'em? we
certainly won’t fight you for them but you're going to have to found
New California without 35 of your most beautiful counties and your
second-largest city. Sorry about that.

Nationally, Bush won over 2.5 million square miles of U.S. counties (and
an extra three and a half million votes, but we won't rub that in.)
Kerry won less than 600,000 square miles--meaning that in most states he
was popular downtown and pretty much nowhere else. In other words, your
guy won the places that people like him would get shot if he walked
through them at night. Our guy won every place else.

So, the bottom line is that you don't get the Blue States. Those states
have lots of towns and counties that would rather blow their dams and
flood themselves out of existence rather than go with you. No, instead,
you get the Blue Cities.

But wait…we really feel we owe you full disclosure on this exchange.
This might come as an unpleasant surprise, but you don’t actually get
the lower divorce and single-motherhood rates and all that other good
stuff you think you're going to snag. Those are the conditions that are
actually found out in the Red counties—not in the Blue cities, and you
can't have them.

Instead you get the urban single moms, not the soccer moms; the drug
addicts, not the doctors; the waiters, not the chefs. You get the fine
service you've come to expect from the brutal and corrupt inner-city
police departments. You get the abysmal literacy rates and schools that
are more dangerous than most prisons. All in all, you get to take with
you a public sector in most cities so unmanageable they make Mogadishu
seem like a tidily run little municipality by comparison.

You get the labor union shakedown artists, "teachers" who can’t pass
tests in their own subject, and city government leaders for whom graft,
racial spoils systems, and outright theft are a way of life. They’re
all very enthusiastic Blue voters, as you know, and we’re sure
they’ll stampede their way to New California to start draining your
wallets, wrecking your schools, and in general making a mess of your
lives.

(And don't come complaining back to us when socialist central planning
does for New California what it did for garden spots like East Berlin
and Pyongyang. We're putting a strict visa system into place once you
all go.)

We, on the other hand, get those Red city suburbs and rural districts.
You know, the ones with the good schools, the high property values, the
quiet streets and the sheriffs and cops who don’t need to walk around
armored up like they’re about to storm the Sunni Triangle.

Oh and don’t concern yourself with our agricultural capacity after
all, they don't call it "the breadbasket" for nothin'. We’ll keep
right on producing the vast majority of wheat, corn, oats, rye,
potatoes, soybeans, beef, chicken and pork.

We’ve always preferred a nice, unpretentious, frosty mug of brew
anyway and hey, maybe you can make a salad with those pineapples, stem
cells, and lettuce.

And don't even think about keeping the National Parks, the wide open
spaces, all those water resources, and all the rest of America's natural
splendor, since those are all pretty much located in Red counties.

Hell, we even get most of Oregon and Washington ...ain’t it ironic?
You get the urban liberals in Portland and Seattle and their friends in
important social organizations (like, say, drug-running street gangs)
and we get the rest of the Northwest.

Ok by us; we’d be fools not to take you up on it.

Here’s how it will work; all of you Blue whiners, please feel free to
look at a map of the electoral results county by county in each state,
and take the people with you who’ve made it clear they’d like to go.

That means you get places like downtown Pittsburgh and Philadelphia, and
we get to keep the rest of beautiful Pennsylvania, thanks.

You get to administer bloated public services to the violent,
drug-addled, gunslinging populations of delightful inner-city sinkholes
of poverty and corruption such as Miami, St. Louis,Atlanta and the
ever-popular District of Columbia--which has been governed by liberals
(and the occasional crackhead) for so long and so incompetently that any
semblance of order has broken down (beyond the carefully guarded borders
of your Georgetown bistros, natch) to the point where even the mayor
once asked the President to have the city patrolled by National
Guardsmen.

Lucky you, it's all yours--enjoy it in good health, and don’t forget
to wear your Kevlar...Blue "voters" up there in Northeast DC tend to be
jumpy on the ol' trigger finger.

In fact, all around our great nation, you get to keep all the Blue
voters who’ve made urban war zones like downtown Detroit--a Blue
bastion, of course--the proud showplaces they are today.

We get the rest of Blue states like Michigan and Wisconsin and Illinois
and...well, frankly, just about every state in the Union with the
exception of Hawaii and New England--and even there, we’ll just hang
on to a couple of chunks of New Hampshire and Connecticut.

You’re especially more than welcome to Rhode Island, which will
immediately set up some sort of money-laundering scheme and bilk the
rest of you once it has been incorporated into whatever sort of
muddle-headed utopia you’re trying to create.

The former mayor of Providence should be out of Federal prison in time
to join your Politburo and help you get things set up--for a small
consulting fee, of course

If you would please, take another look at the list of best beaches and
notice what color states they are in. We'll miss the Hawaiian beaches,
but since long stretches of coastline from New Jersey down to Florida
and yes, even in Southern California (including San Diego, thanks) are
actually in Red counties, we'll be fine.

Sure, we get the rednecks and holy rollers. But since you're apparently
willing to trade them for the gangs and psychopaths terrorizing your
Blue cities, what can we say? You want the Crips and the Bloods in low
riders raking your streets with automatic gunfire, and you're offering
us Bubba heading off to church in his pickup?

Hey, a deal's a deal. Done.

True, you also get Manhattan, but darn the luck, you have to take the
rest of the city, including the Bronx, Queens, and Brooklyn too, as well
as Long Island, which is enough to almost make us feel sorry for you all
out there in New California. (Almost.)

For our part, we’ll take most of the rest of gorgeous New York State,
although you get the scam artists who infest the legislature in Albany.

And since for some unfathomable reason you actually want Elliot Spitzer,
we’ll buy his plane ticket as a gesture of goodwill.

So that’s the deal. You get the cities, with all the crime, crack
mommies, and corruption you can stand.

And sure, you get many of the elite colleges too, with the professors
who think that terrorists in Fallujah are freedom fighters and that the
people who worked in the Twin Towers on 9/11 were no better than
Nazis—forgive us for not lamenting over this loss.

We get the suburbs, the countryside, and all the other beautiful places
that remain unspoiled by liberal hypocrisy and addle-brained social
experimentation.

And we'd like a favor, too: please keep your sky-high tax and crime
rates, since we're happy to have the corporations and jobs that continue
to flee your Blue cities into our Red counties. It's much appreciated,
since our unemployment rates, to say nothing of our crime,
single-parenting, and illiteracy rates, are far lower than yours.

Oh, and one last thing. We get the U.S. military, too. Did we mention
that part? (You may have forgotten that they're volunteers, and most are
happy Red state voters.)

Not to worry, though, since we’re sure that Islamic fundamentalist
terrorists will be more than happy to reach an accommodation with a
society that embraces radical feminism, gay marriage, gun control,
hostility to organized religion of any kind, and Salman Rushdie. Good
luck with that.

But one day when some misogynist Saudi freak--who no doubt will sneak
into your country by strolling over the northern border after a few
years sucking on the Canadian welfare system you all admire so
much--blows up a couple kilos of plutonium on Sunset Boulevard, go send
Sean Penn to ask the French for help. We’ll be busy that day.

Sincerely,

The Red States

PS: You can keep the marijuana. You're going to need it, since selling
it is one of the last stable industries left in Blue counties.
----------------------------------------------

Fuck them, though. They suck.

hitokiri

omg...that was brutal.


I love it!

whatchuwant

And now a message from the Queen:

MESSAGE FROM, H.R.H. THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your declining failure to handle your economy and to nominate competent candidates for President and thus to govern yourselves, We hereby give notice of the revocation of your Independence, effective immediately.(if necessary, look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will now resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Utah , which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, the same one who is our Prime Minister, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

To aid in the return of your country to the status of a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will now spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (if necessary, look up 'vocabulary' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
-----------------------

2. There is no such thing as U.S. English. English is the language we speak. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-----------------------

3. July 4th will be celebrated as a holiday in order to acknowledge the end of your unsuccessful 250 year experiment in independence.
-----------------------

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready yet to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or spending hours with a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse..
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
-----------------------

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side of the road with immediate effect. Using roundabouts while you learn to drive on the left may help you understand the British sense of humour.
-----------------------

7. At the same time, all your forms of measurement will go metric with immediate effect. We had to do it 20 years ago and we discovered that it works better than the old imperial system anyway. However because your monetary system is already metric (you got that bit right) you will be permitted to maintain the dollar as your form of currency. We may however decide to brighten up those dull old green and black notes were some exciting new spring colours.
-----------------------

8. Speaking of money however you will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been mistakenly calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-----------------------

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as (based on their rather small population) they are the greatest sporting nation on earth and this can only be due to something they put in their beer. They are also still a part of the British Commonwealth - see what it has done for them.

American beer-type drinks will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that they can be sold without risk of further confusion until you get used to drinking proper beer.
-----------------------

10. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having One's Royal ears removed with a cheese grater.
-----------------------

11. You will cease playing that game that you call American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you (mistakenly) call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies)..
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to hold an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13. You must tell us who killed JR. It's been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed with vinegar not with tomato sauce (which you mistakenly call catsup) .
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16. Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. Daily with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits ( which you mistakenly refer to as cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

hitokiri

do we have to remind her that we can kick her ass... again? ;p