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Elderly and crazy — Brooklynian

Elderly and crazy

homeowner
homeowner
edited November -1 in The Lounge / Random Stuff
Looking for some advice. We've got a family member that has been estranged from the family for 20+ years. The reasons for her estrangement are numerous, but they all basically stem from the fact that she is crazy. Not, little old lady crazy, but conspiracy theory, doesn't own any electrical devices because they are trying to control her through the radio waves crazy. Her brothers and sisters all made a conscious decision some time ago to leave her alone, and she has lived comfortably in an apartment in Manhattan surviving on a pension and her social security.

Recently, with the death of another family member, I've had to reach out to this person. Its clear to me that although otherwise healthy, she is seriously in need of medication to treat her delusions. Problem is, that she refuses to see any professionals being distrustful of most. She does have a doctor whom she sees, but clearly he has never tried to medicate her, or if he has he's been unsuccessful with it.

So, the problem is that her landlord has approach us and asked us to intervene on her behalf. I'm not sure what if anything I or anyone else in the family can do. She supports herself, and in no way is neglectful of her own care. She is physically healthy and told me that she walks between 2-3 miles a day in her neighborhood running errands, a fact which her landlord has confirmed. I've been in her apartment and she keeps if extremely clean as she is convinced that a dirty apartment will cause "them" to come in. Once "they" get into her apartment they will plant bugs and cameras to spy on her.

My gut reaction is that absent the crazy she's actually doing pretty well for a woman on the far side of 80 and I should just allow her to continue going as she has been for most of my life. Others in the family think we should intervene, but no one wants to actually take responsibility for caring for her on a day to day basis. As long as the crazy is not harmful to her or others we question whether we should actually do anything other than checking in on a random basis to make sure that she's maintaining the status quo.

Sorry for the length of this but its a lot to explain. Anyone have any experience dealing with this type of issue or any suggestions?

Comments

  • whynot_31
    whynot_31
    Adult Protective Services can be enlisted if she is a threat to herself or others. ...but she has the right to be "crazy" and the right to not take medications until she gets to this point. ...and civil court is very strict about appointing guardians, etc. (you won't likely reach the standard unless she is absolutely a danger to herself and others, AND have a good attorney along with lots of evidence.)

    there are home health agencies that provide Personal Care Assistance to folks who are lonely and frail, and -yes- crazy.
  • vintagejames
    vintagejames
    Maybe she's right!

    Seriously, she's gotten along so far and isn't hurting anyone. She doesn't have that many years left, so why try and change her and mess things up.

    After 9/11, we all have the right to be a little bit paranoid.
  • homeowner
    homeowner
    vintagejames wrote: Maybe she's right!

    Seriously, she's gotten along so far and isn't hurting anyone. She doesn't have that many years left, so why try and change her and mess things up.

    After 9/11, we all have the right to be a little bit paranoid.
    Yeah, that's sort of how I feel. I'd hate for us to go in, take over, put her in assisted living or move her out of her apartment and into one of our homes, only to have her drop dead a couple months later from the misery.
  • tnyc
    tnyc
    What is the landlord's motivation for asking family to intervene? If the apt is kept clean, rent is paid the landlord should have any issue. Unless your elderly, crazy family member is making problems for neighbors, why not just leave her be? What outcome does the landlord expect? Is he trying to empty a rent-regulated apartment?
  • vidro3
    vidro3
    yea, intervene into what? what problem is her behavior causing that needs fixing?

    I am suspect of the landlord's motives here.

    BUT.

    Someone with paranoid delusions, over 80 years old, with no medical/psychiatric supervision can turn downhill pretty suddenly and rapidly. So while I don't think there is anything that needs to be done now, this is probably a good time to get more involved in her life and start making plans and or preparations for if and when she begins to deteriorate.
  • doctorj
    doctorj
    vintagejames wrote:
    After 9/11, we all have the right to be a little bit paranoid.
    And after the USA PATRIOT Act, the right to be a lot more paranoid.
  • whynot_31
    whynot_31
    vidro3 wrote: Someone with paranoid delusions, over 80 years old, with no medical/psychiatric supervision can turn downhill pretty suddenly and rapidly. So while I don't think there is anything that needs to be done now, this is probably a good time to get more involved in her life and start making plans and or preparations for if and when she begins to deteriorate.
    Exactly. Who will be the family member who steps up (aka gets the power of atty or health care proxy) if and when this occurs?

    Better to have the discussion now when:
    1. It is less likely to be a battle.
    2. She is safe.

    If the family members agree on who should be able to act as the guardian, it will all be less dramatic/traumatic.
  • homeowner
    homeowner
    Tnyc wrote: What is the landlord's motivation for asking family to intervene? If the apt is kept clean, rent is paid the landlord should have any issue. Unless your elderly, crazy family member is making problems for neighbors, why not just leave her be? What outcome does the landlord expect? Is he trying to empty a rent-regulated apartment?
    Well, I've gotten more info from some older relatives that are in town for the holidays. Turns out the building went condo back in the 80's and there was an effort to get her out at that time. She sued, won, got a great insiders price and used her settlement to pay for the apartment. Evidently, the guy I have been assuming was the landlord is, in fact, from the management company.

    My relatives speculated that the board may just be fatigued with dealing with her and want us to come and take her off their hands. I know both from family lore and stories she shared, that in the past she has had tremendous problems with some neighbors, but in the recent past (the last 10 years or so) she seems to have mellowed a bit and is far less combative and aggressive than she was earlier on.

    But to give you an idea of what this is like, not even the possibility of having access to a pied-a-terre in prime Manhattan has been enough of a draw to get any of the older folks interested in stepping up to deal with her. Her living siblings are all too old, sick, or stubborn to deal with her. Most of them and their kids are willing to just maintain the status quo. I'm sort of stuck with being the representative for the rest of the family simply because I'm the youngest family member and have a lot less memories of what she was like in her prime.

    I'd like to do right by her, but she doesn't want the kind of help we're prepared to offer and the options don't seem like they'd make her anything but miserable.
  • tnyc
    tnyc
    Did you ever hear "no good deed goes unpunished?" This is not your problem. This woman has been living in her apt., that she owns, for more than 30 yrs. And, she fought to be able to buy the apartment. Did any of your family members help her then?

    If the board is tired of dealing with her, that is their problem. Why would you want to side with a coop board? Leave your relative alone. It sounds like she does not need nor want any major changes in her life at this time.

    I agree with the Vidro & Whynot. Her health status could change at any time, and now since contact was made, this is the time to speak about Health care proxy & POA. Be prepared to meet with resistance. Keep in mind that the HCP & POA are serious duties and with many family members.....well, re-read my first sentence.
  • pitu
    pitu
    Tnyc wrote: Did you ever hear "no good deed goes unpunished?" This is not your problem. This woman has been living in her apt., that she owns, for more than 30 yrs. And, she fought to be able to buy the apartment. Did any of your family members help her then?

    If the board is tired of dealing with her, that is their problem. Why would you want to side with a coop board? Leave your relative alone. It sounds like she does not need nor want any major changes in her life at this time.

    I agree with the Vidro & Whynot. Her health status could change at any time, and now since contact was made, this is the time to speak about Health care proxy & POA. Be prepared to meet with resistance. Keep in mind that the HCP & POA are serious duties and with many family members.....well, re-read my first sentence.
    ^^^ this
    homeowner wrote: I'd like to do right by her, but she doesn't want the kind of help we're prepared to offer and the options don't seem like they'd make her anything but miserable.
    Sounds like you're already doing right by her if you leave her alone but keep in touch. Sending you non-electric good vibrations.....
    :D
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